saturday. [28 Feb 2007|03:19pm] So this has definitly been by far the worst day of my life, as of yet. My dog, who I grew up with and had since the third grade died. Brandi. I loved Brandi so so so so much. She was loved beyond belief by my entire family. But in recent years she has been getting really sick. She lost her eye sight and then a few days ago started peeing with blood, meaning she was bleeding internally. Ive been away from school, an hour away from home, and yet today all day I’ve had this terrible feeling: My thoughts were that Brandi is having her last few days and I’m away at school, I’m not going to be able to say goodbye or see her last moments, and I grew terrified. And then I got the call from my mom and she was asking me where I was and who I was with. So I told her in my room and with my room mates. And I could hear her voice cracking and I knew instantly, and I said Brandi. And then lost it. I haven’t stopped crying since 4 in the afternoon. Brandi was so much more then a dog. I grew up with her. There were routines, I would scratch behind her ears or when my dad came home from work and threw his hat and she ran after it. I don’t feel as if I’ll ever be okay or get over this. I feel as if everytime I see a dog, or a shiz tu or the name brandi or a question like do you have a pet; that I’m going to just break. I know she lived a good life and she was cared for deeply. But I have never felt like this. To think that she is really gone kills me. And its going to be ten times worse when I go home for the first time and she isn’t there. I’m not letting my kids have pets, life would be so much easier without attachments.   I love you brandi 2 rad <3

[16 Feb 2007|05:26pm] So im kinda sad i just stopped writing in here. like i created this thing to explore my thoughts and events and feelings and such and i just stopped writing in it. i dont even know why.  the snow is killing me. i hate old ugly snow. it really makes me sad. and i think i have a pimple on my chin and that never happens and i dont really care. i have eighteen stitches in my stomach that kill. i had a mole removed that had skin cancer in it. and now they removed  a chunk of my stomach of the skin around it and such to test it. and it hurts and it itches. and i kinda cant wait till i get these stitches removed, and i cant beleive for the rest of my life i need to be pale. but that equals survival. i need high lights. a lot. i hate my classes. i like my boyfriend. not ready for love yet. or ever. hopefully sometime i will be. im starving. its good. probably one of the coldest winters. and i dont like it. and i have yet to go skiing. or anything winter related really. i'm twenty years old. rad <3

[30 Jan 2007|07:18pm] So its kinda my last night being a teenager. I told myself I wanted to do things that reminded me of my teenager years. Such as dance, or listen to really weird annoying pop punk songs, or pretend im really something im not, or make out with random boys who i have little to no interest in but i'm obviously not going to do that. What else did I do as a teenager? Lets see in sixth grade I tried to be the typical staten island girl which still confusses me as to why, but i was young and immature and everyone else was doing it so i guess thats my reasoning. and i'm not going to make excuses or say i wish i wasn't like that because if i wasn't like that then i wouldn't be who i am today. seventh and eighth grade i emerged myself around my best friends who I always felt were really much prettier then I. and I always felt like I needed to be more like that but again I was young. however, I was always the funny, ditzy one. Good or bad thing I guess. We named ourselves insane twelve. They were my best friends, some since first grade. Ashley, Krsyta Lynne, Giovanna, Jessica, Dana, Dana, Dominique, Nicole, Tara, Christi, and Jamie. We completed each other. When high school came we all seperated. Ash went to Hill(howeve she's been my best friend since the third grade and lives down the street from me. all those nights on stobe would never ever be replaced), Krysta and Dom went on to Villa with me, and the rest to Sea. Some lost touch, some just drew apart. but thats life. and ill still always cherish the friendships i've made. Which also reminds me of Kelsi and MH (a major part in my life, forever). There were times in my teenage years where I didn't really know where I belonged, and I strugggled a lot. and it hurt. and i cried. but only because I didn't really know myself or what I wanted in my life, or who I wanted in my life. and even as I write this I'm crying just because I don't know if i'm ready to start a new chapter of my life. I loved high school. everything about it. Villa was my home, it was family. as were the people in it. I would never change anything about it. the lunches with my best friends Sophia and Dana. the rides to royal crown, the dances, being in competition, doing track, growing closer and becoming best friends with my twin. high school helped me to realize the importance of life. and as did college and leaving home. I'll always be the person who loves being home, being loved by her parents, feeling safe. its just who i am. and ill always have those moments where i feel beyond home sick and cry but im strong, or trying to be. in college ive realized its okay to not have millions of friends but instead have that close knit group that you would trust your life in their hands. and thats what matters. I dont know what I would have done without meeting Sophia in the freshman year and Dana in kindergarden. Theyve both made such an impact on my life. They really will be my best friends until the day I die. and I can say that and totally know it is true. I know who I am when I'm with them, and they make me who I am. Born to this world like sisters <3 my family and my friends have been amazing. i would not have changed the ups or the downs for anything. Ill never have that school girl crush again, or be able to blame the hardships of life on being a teenager. its just crazy. its no longer thirteen or nineteen its twenty. a whole 2 decades. and a whole new chapter in my life. in your twenties you most likely get married, start a family, start your job, leave home for good, become an adult. its time to grow up. 1 rad <3

[23 Jan 2007|12:50pm] and it breaks my ha ha ha ha ha heart 1 rad <3

[01 Jan 2007|08:46pm] dear 2007, i have high expectations for you. a new year, a new age, a new beginning. and hopefully figuring myself out, at the same time. <3 rad <3

[17 Dec 2006|02:29pm] so this time tomorrow i will be inthe staten island thank god. i just realized i only types using my right hand and my left index finger and thumb whiletyping. thats rather odd i think i mean what do my other fingers do? just hang there. im trying to memorize my philosophy essay for my final tomorrow its not going to well. :( i hate philosophy. hope my grades are good this semester i think they are. i think i might have an A in nonwestern civ. a B+ in journalism. and christian sexual ethics. english a B and philosophy all depends on this final. boohoo 1 rad <3

[03 Dec 2006|09:40pm] well my head is killing me. its been pounding all day. so far im six pages into my ten page paper. its due tuesday. im kinda screwed? its freeeeeezing. this is december weather. definitly it might snow tomorrow tuesday im going to see the radio city music hall rockettes with jessica victoria vanessa amy colleen. im excited. i wish jess was coming. we are gonna grab food and see the tree tooo. and visit dana cause she will be working on 5th at abercrombie. hopefully ill buy something? this weekend had ups and downs. definitly. tonight is the big in 06 awards on vh1. im excited im gonna miss some of it cause i need to meet with my 'group sex' group for christian sexual ethics :(. i think im gonna not go its way to cloud to walk to the library i miss the boy alot. :( and im glad me and my roomies are okayagain. cause i love them i wish i was at home tho just because december isnt quite the same without having a huge gigantic tree in my living room and without my fireplace and the stockings hanging. and my parents. but its college and a dorm room. and we made it cute we have up stockings with our names and two littles trees and place mates and a santa face :) my headache is really beyond normal. i hate awkward situations. i hate my hair. i hate being pale. blahblahblahblah i like htings too, hahah. im bipolar? 2 rad <3

[01 Dec 2006|02:51pm] so i decided i need to start writing in this again. i kinda miss it. plus it helps me think. and its nice to look back at them and realize how much ive grown or how crazy and immature i was or still am. its december first. and i usually love it. but this weather is killing it for me. its gross and wet and humid and warm. not typical december weather at all. im excited for christmas break which is approaching slowly. we still have finals and final papers to go through which i hope i survive. and with at least a 3.0 ive been working my ass off. im suprised i dont have gray hairs. im sorry i havent been writing. i just stopped and for no reason. alot of things have changed and happened i guess. this summer was one of my favorites, i worked at hollister and loved every second of it. my best friends and my twin also. i loved everyone i worked with. esp farrah and heather and louie and vinny and scotty. im going to go back to work there over christmas break although im not sure it will be anything like it used to be. people change. people dont come back. etc. this weather is killlinggggggg me. its so depressing. i have a ten page paper due tuesday which kils me also. i also went to the cape over summer with vanessa and her family. i got to see the boy alot. drew. :) saw the family and the friends. drank probably more then i wouldva liked to but its okay. im almost twenty. its alittle frightening. i love my roomates. and jessica michalski in particular. this year has been fun so far. weve had alot of good days and nights and weekends haha but some bad ones too. just be happy with who you are. heaven and nature 1 rad <3

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